Top Ten Ways to Tell That You’re a Fighter in the NHL

The role of a fighter in the NHL is one that has evolved through the years as the game has changed. The famous fighters from the 70’s and 80’s were some of the toughest, grittiest men you could meet, and they refused to let anybody near their team’s star players. Many of the fighters in the 90’s were more dynamic, as they added a scoring touch to their ability to drop the gloves on a nightly basis. Lately, and especially since the lock-out, fighting has become more of a staged performance. Today’s tough men fight more for show and to spark their team rather than in defence of their teammates. The once dynamic role has now dwindled into a position that requires less skill, and more ability to throw a jab. The following is a top ten list of why you might be a fighter in today’s NHL:

10. You were inspired to play hockey by Adam Sandler’s performance in Happy Gilmore. In fact your favourite quote from the movie was, “During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.”

9. In junior hockey your coach mocked you during the puck handling drills. “If you can’t deke a pylon you probably are a pylon.”

8. You told your parents before every game that this would be the day you’d score your first goal, but instead of giving you their regular parental empathy they just blatantly laughed in your face.

7. You boxed in high school, but every time you fought in a match a hockey game broke out. (It’s well known that hockey is the only sport that has another sport intertwined).

6. You pretend your hockey stick is a katana more often than not, swinging it wildly like a hockey ninja on the prowl and showcasing your skills from that one karate class you took when you were nine.

5. You’re 6’5, 240 pounds, have a natural affinity for skating and sport a Mr. Incredible chin, but your hands don’t work unless they’re closed for some reason. Holding a stick doesn’t feel right, but clenching your fist and using it to re-arrange other people’s faces feels more natural than breathing.

4. You take the phrase “Battle of the Blades” way too seriously. After showing up to shoot the first episode in a full suit of armour and a sharpened stick, you realized you made a mistake after witnessing Ron MacLean perform a pirouette in a suit.

3. You’re sitting in prison over night for single-handedly destroying three drunken men in a bar fight, when all of a sudden a man baring uncanny resemblance to Emilio Estevez in a trench coat and a toque bails you out. After asking why in bewilderment, he hands you a pair of skates and says “know how to use ‘em?”

2. Your name sounds like it can deliver a punch with an effect not unlike that of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Tiger, Tie, Stu, Dave, Darius, and Kelly (manliest girl name used on a guy of all time).

1. And finally the only time the coach gives you more than five minutes of ice time is when he knows that all hope to win the game is lost. “SCORESSSSSSSSS!!! Keswick has made it 5 – 0!” “Damn it. Kelly, you’re in!”

There you have it. If any of these hold true in your case, then you are probably the goon of your local hockey team. But hey, it’s still better than being the backup goaltender of Martin Brodeur.

By: Kyle Larkin

  1. i don’t make the height requirement. neither does anyone else in my country of origin.

    • Lol I believe there is at least one person from Nepal who would disagree with that!

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